Oh No, I’ve Just Penetrated Lizzie Borden

I met her in a place called The Slimelight.  No, it’s not a typo.  It was a deliberate slur on the better known club in London’s West End, which attracted the ‘beautiful’, meaning rich, people.  But this was an anti-club, an all night unlicensed warehouse gig where you bought your beer from an enterprising customer with a case or two under his seat.

She was impossibly hot.  This was a body that could cause traffic accidents.  It was wrapped in a tight top and hot pants.  The whole package was topped by a beautiful face framed by blonde hair.  I invited her back to my place.  She accepted.

If the words “too good to be true” are going through your mind, this obviously isn’t the first story you’ve ever read.

After having dream-like sex with the voluptuous chick of every guy’s fantasies, I lay next to her.  Then she spoke.  “Baby, this room scares me.”  “Why?”, I said.  “It reminds me of my room when I was a little girl”, she replied.  I asked why that scared her.  She said it was because of her father.  “He chased me around with an axe.”

“Oh no, I’ve just penetrated Lizzie Borden”, I thought.  Is it possible to sleep with one eye open?  Horses can sleep standing up, can’t they?  I’m scared.  Well, worried.  I’m worried.  What if, triggered by the similarity of my room to the scene of her trauma, she has an episode in the middle of the night and, unable to distinguish between past, present, and men, seeks revenge on me?  I don’t want this to be my last night.  There isn’t an axe in the house, is there?

I tried to soothe her at some point.  I complimented her on her beautiful hair.  “It’s a wig”, she replied.  She had lost all her hair.  Oh, boy.  Not going well.

We eventually went to sleep.  I’m happy to report that I did wake up the next morning, in one piece and with everything attached.  The only thing I may have lost was a chance to have a girlfriend other guys would die for.  Sure, she had problems, but who doesn’t?

Am I sometimes too much of a perfectionist?

Something to think about when you go out tonight.

Tags: London, relationships, clubs, anti-clubs, Slimelight, sex, fantasies, Lizzie Borden, axes, axe murderers, penetration, dream-like sex, too good to be true, voluptuous, wigs, trauma, perfectionism, perfectionists, problems, warehouses, girlfriends, lost opportunities, Limelight