Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

Why Are Women So Bitchy?

February 25, 2008

The Oscars have come and gone again.  Another red carpet parade of fabulously dressed stars, directors, producers, and other creative people running the gauntlet of media whores who jostle and compete to call them over for the privilege of asking, “Who are you wearing?”

As if that’s not bad enough, after the show the women do the obligatory ‘get the claws out’ thing and name the worst dressed women who failed to meet the required standard of perfection for such a spectacular event, as defined by a handful of European designers.  Who cares if you think she didn’t pull it off?  She got an invite to the Oscars.  Did you?  Who are you, anyway?

These women – and don’t forget our Canadian gay guy who has managed to establish himself as some kind of authoritative commentator who should be listened to, for some reason – don’t actually do anything themselves.  They aren’t designers.  But, they trash other women for wearing dresses they liked without worrying about whether the world at large would like them or even – gasp – approve!  I wonder if these ‘style commentators’ aren’t actually sounding offended at not being consulted.  After all, it’s what they do, and if people don’t think they need to consult the experts – in their magazines and style columns – they’ll have to find something real to do.

Women complain that guys don’t respect them enough or objectify them, but they should listen to themselves.  We don’t do that.  I would never dream of trashing a woman for what she wears, no matter how bad I thought she looked.  The only instance when I might have, that comes to mind at the moment, involved an obese older woman in a skirt with celullite spilling over her knee high nylons.  I couldn’t even be bothered to tell anyone about that until now, about twenty years later.

Last night the women on CTV even dug out some file photos and picked some of the worst disasters of all time.  Of course, they included Bjork and her swan dress, commenting, “What was she thinking?”  Have they ever listened to Bjork’s music?  I doubt it.  They only know of Bjork the somewhat famous person.  They don’t know or care what she sings about.  If they had listened to Bjork’s music they might have had an idea what she was thinking.

I don’t claim to be an expert on Bjork.  I haven’t heard all of her music, by any means.  But what I have heard, going way back to The Sugar Cubes, I like.  She is a true original.  She expresses what is inside her. She is an artist, not just a media personality – and certainly not a poser.  I totally got the swan.  How can you hear her pain and not get it?  If you don’t get it you haven’t heard her music, or haven’t really listened.  So, it seems women also accuse men of not listening to them, but don’t listen themselves.

I’m a guy, with a dangling thing between my legs.  I want to use it to penetrate women for carnal pleasure.  Should I really have to tell them this stuff?

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You’d Better Like Oral Sex

February 18, 2008

Let’s talk more about sex, baby.  As I discussed the other day, The Georgia Straight published results of its sex survey last week.  In addition to the usual dull questions about which celebrities people would like to have sex with, there were some interesting stats.

One of the more interesting things was people’s attitudes towards giving and receiving oral sex.  First of all, my sympathies go out to the 4.1% of women and 1.9% of men who don’t know if they like receiving oral sex, presumably because they’ve never experienced it.  The same goes for the 3.2% of women and 2.6% of men who don’t know if they like giving it.

The most surprising thing is that there are actually people who don’t like receiving oral sex.  What?  How can you not like receiving it?  2.6% of men and 6.9% of women don’t like it.  Slightly more than double those numbers don’t like giving it.

Another surprising thing is that more men than women like giving in addition to receiving, which may be less surprising.  91.5% of men like going down as opposed to 81.6% of women.  Somebody tell the Sopranos.

That’s good news, actually.  If it does represent a shift in attitudes, it may just help reverse, or at least slow, the rising divorce trend.  A common complaint among couples with children is that sex suffers after kids come into the picture.  This is often awkwardly alluded to in TV shows and movies by having the kids burst into the bedroom just as mum and dad are starting to get it on.  That may happen occasionally, but really how difficult is it to teach your kids to knock before entering?  There is another way they affect the quality of their parents’ sex lives, however.

Some people won’t like this, but one of my talents is my ability and willingness to say or do what others won’t.  Think about how big a baby is.  Now think about how big a vag is.  Now force that baby through that vag.  Do you really think it’s ever going to be the same again?  The poor thing’s going to be traumatized.  I mean, have you seen pictures of women’s faces and heard their screams during labour?  The fact that they want to have children at all proves conclusively that they’re crazy.

But, while the woman’s vagina doesn’t return to normal, her man’s dick doesn’t get larger to compensate.  I know some of you guys may swear it’s getting bigger by the day but, sadly, it’s not.  That nice comfy fit you both used to enjoy just isn’t quite as comfy anymore.

How do I know so much about it?  Am I one of those vag doctors women go to?  No.  I’m a motherfucker.  Well, I have been.  I’ve had sex with two mothers.  One had had a caesarean and the other hadn’t.  Which one do you think the sex was better with?  That probably accounts for the rise in the number of women having caesareans.  Word must have got around.

So, take it from a motherfucker like me, if you want to continue to enjoy sex after children, you both better like to get down.  Sex doesn’t solve everything, but it’s probably the best stress buster there is.  Nothing like a good tumble to make you forget the problems of the day.