Posts Tagged ‘The Sopranos’

You’d Better Like Oral Sex

February 18, 2008

Let’s talk more about sex, baby.  As I discussed the other day, The Georgia Straight published results of its sex survey last week.  In addition to the usual dull questions about which celebrities people would like to have sex with, there were some interesting stats.

One of the more interesting things was people’s attitudes towards giving and receiving oral sex.  First of all, my sympathies go out to the 4.1% of women and 1.9% of men who don’t know if they like receiving oral sex, presumably because they’ve never experienced it.  The same goes for the 3.2% of women and 2.6% of men who don’t know if they like giving it.

The most surprising thing is that there are actually people who don’t like receiving oral sex.  What?  How can you not like receiving it?  2.6% of men and 6.9% of women don’t like it.  Slightly more than double those numbers don’t like giving it.

Another surprising thing is that more men than women like giving in addition to receiving, which may be less surprising.  91.5% of men like going down as opposed to 81.6% of women.  Somebody tell the Sopranos.

That’s good news, actually.  If it does represent a shift in attitudes, it may just help reverse, or at least slow, the rising divorce trend.  A common complaint among couples with children is that sex suffers after kids come into the picture.  This is often awkwardly alluded to in TV shows and movies by having the kids burst into the bedroom just as mum and dad are starting to get it on.  That may happen occasionally, but really how difficult is it to teach your kids to knock before entering?  There is another way they affect the quality of their parents’ sex lives, however.

Some people won’t like this, but one of my talents is my ability and willingness to say or do what others won’t.  Think about how big a baby is.  Now think about how big a vag is.  Now force that baby through that vag.  Do you really think it’s ever going to be the same again?  The poor thing’s going to be traumatized.  I mean, have you seen pictures of women’s faces and heard their screams during labour?  The fact that they want to have children at all proves conclusively that they’re crazy.

But, while the woman’s vagina doesn’t return to normal, her man’s dick doesn’t get larger to compensate.  I know some of you guys may swear it’s getting bigger by the day but, sadly, it’s not.  That nice comfy fit you both used to enjoy just isn’t quite as comfy anymore.

How do I know so much about it?  Am I one of those vag doctors women go to?  No.  I’m a motherfucker.  Well, I have been.  I’ve had sex with two mothers.  One had had a caesarean and the other hadn’t.  Which one do you think the sex was better with?  That probably accounts for the rise in the number of women having caesareans.  Word must have got around.

So, take it from a motherfucker like me, if you want to continue to enjoy sex after children, you both better like to get down.  Sex doesn’t solve everything, but it’s probably the best stress buster there is.  Nothing like a good tumble to make you forget the problems of the day.

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Eating Out Is Getting Dangerous

February 1, 2008

There is a gangland style killing for every wallet.  It doesn’t matter where you eat or socialize, you may be a witness to – or victim of – the latest episode in the gang wars that have broken out in greater Vancouver.  These killings could have been lifted straight out of the movies or the Sopranos finale.

A few months ago, just four blocks from my home, gunmen walked into a Chinese restaurant on East Broadway, approached a table, and opened up.  Two people were killed and others were wounded, including young girls.  I assume they were the girlfriends.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve passed that restaurant.  I used to be a regular customer at a bakery directly opposite it, before it closed, and have used the bus stop outside the former bakery many times.  The bullet hole in the window of the restaurant is enough to make you think about the possibility of innocent victims of stray bullets.

A few weeks later, gunmen fired shots through the window of a more upmarket restaurant on West 4th.  It has a reputation as one of the more romantic restaurants in town, I believe, but love wasn’t in the air that night.  A known gangster was killed.  It was only by luck that no one was killed by stray bullets, again.

A few weeks ago, a man with a past was gunned down outside a well known downtown steak house that’s so expensive I had to win a contest to eat there the one time I did.  It happened in full view of other diners inside, including the rest of his party who were waiting for him.

It doesn’t seem to matter where you go or how much you can afford to spend, there’s no guarantee you can escape it.  You’re not safe anywhere.

What are restaurants supposed to do – screen customers to keep out the targets?  How?  Should they ask customers, “Are you now, or have you ever been, involved with a criminal gang?”  I don’t think they’ll volunteer that information.

There is talk of the police working with restaurants as they did with nightclubs.  They visited the clubs, identified known criminals, and made it clear they were not wanted there.  I don’t know how they’ll adapt that to restaurants.  There are a lot more restaurants than nightclubs.  Maybe they’ll just distribute names and pictures of criminals so the restaurants can refuse entry.  That would take a pretty brave Maitre d’.

Whatever they do, I hope it works.